Show children that pursuing their dreams is not only something they can do, but something they must do.

Focus on the 20% that matters most.

Imagine the unthinkable: losing your spouse.  When widowhood turned Emmy award winning television producer Robin Craig’s life upside down, she was determined to have a productive life regardless of the adversity.

Here is a Q & A with Robin:



1.  What does leadership mean to you?  
Leadership, to me, means standing up for what's right, not what's popular. Staying calm in the midst of a storm.  Not leaving until the job is completed, and always being proud of your work.
 
2.  How do you incorporate leadership as well as the essential habits of character (gratitude, responsibility, integrity, unity & service) into your family, business, life?  
Because I've lost so many of my family members, including my husband of 21 years, gratitude comes easily.  I'm grateful to be alive and healthy; and it's a bonus to be on a mission to help widows and love my work.  As far as business goes, being responsible and having integrity are paramount.  You must do what you say you're going to do and fulfill your job duties. Having good work ethics is imperative, and you must work hard to earn a good reputation. Then you must wear it well.  I'm serving my community with my work on behalf of widows.  I'm writing a blog, "Today's Widow," for the Houston Chronicle (you can Google "Today's Widow" to check it out), I'm preparing to launch a web show, "Robin Craig Live," on MingleMediaTV.com to bring my blogs to life, I have plans to do a TV show about widows and I'm preparing to do an "Ask Robin" section in a new online metaphysical newspaper called "The New Era Times."  I am super excited about this work and driven like never before, and it is rewarding to give back and serve others. There are 700,000 widows annually in America, and it's time that the topic is brought to the forefront.
 
3.  What impact do you think character has on children? On communities?
  Character has a tremendous impact on children.  Kids are very observant and they watch adults and take their lead.  You know...practice what you preach.  When we have character and teach children to have integrity and accept culpability for their actions, it shows them that they must think before they act and that their actions have consequences.  We, as adults, must walk the talk, however, and ensure that we lead by example.
 
As far as the communities go, we earn respect when we have character.  The impact is that we become pillars of our communities and we are productive citizens.  We inspire others to be the best they can be, and as everyone excels, we collectively become more powerful.  It's truly a beautiful thing.
 
4.  How can children affect leadership?  
Children can affect leadership by reminding us how great it is to be honest and pure.  Kids have no ulterior motives and they teach us to be carefree which is good to observe from time to time.  Their enjoyment of life is important to note, as well, because all work and no play is unbalanced and unhealthy.      
 
5.  What is one thing you could recommend to others so they, too, can bring character to life?  
The one thing I would recommend to bring character to life is to embrace adversity.  When difficulties appear in our lives, we need to learn the lessons as they are humbling and know that we become stronger and build character through our trials. 

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Robin’s blog is "Today's Widow" for the Houston Chronicle online.  You can find it at http://blogs.chron.com/todayswidow/

My kids love the "The Suite Life" and "The Suite Life on Deck" with Zack and Cody. (Thanks, Disney Channel, for engaging TV!)  Imagine their surprise when I found this article from 2006 when I was cleaning my office. While the article is over 4 years old now, the information is still very timely. Love the way these two engaging kids demonstrate habits of character!

How do you really want to be with your child? What's getting in the way of that?

More than just a way to make a positive impression or feel good about yourself, manners show you value others.

I had planned to write an article about growing into yourself – becoming yourself, if you will. However, that post will have to wait, because one of those agonizing parental nightmares was rearing its head.

It started when I picked my almost-ten-year-old up from basketball camp yesterday afternoon. He was a little quiet when I arrived. I didn’t think too much about it as I knew he was tired from the nine-hour days at camp. He was still quiet, though, when I gave him the milkshake I bought to cool him down on the hot day. In fact, he didn’t even touch it. I thought something may be going on, but I also knew that he was exhausted from the non-stop basketball drills. In the car, I asked, “Is there anything  you’d like to talk about?” Silence. I knew something was wrong, and in 5-4-3-2-1 seconds, I knew exactly what it was.

Shedding a tear, he said, “Mom, a lot of guys were taunting me today. It was terrible. They made fun of my jersey (a Lakers' jersey), told me my favorite player sucked and then said I sucked because I missed a bunch of shots. Then I got bullied on the court and pushed down.” By then the tears were flowing full stream.

My heart sunk and I could feel pieces of it starting to crack. I wanted to protect my boy. I wanted take away the pain. And, in all honestly, I wanted to yell back at the boys who had bullied my son.” (Ironically, I had just coached a parent on what to do when her son was being bullied a few days earlier.)
I didn’t do any of that, though. Rather, I did what I thought was right. 

I pulled over the car, looked directly at him and said, “I’m so sorry, Finn. That stinks. Big time. There are so many things I could say to you right now about how to handle yourself. First, though, I think it is more important to let you cry. Get all those feelings of frustration out. Then, I think a big sip of your shake is due. Also, finally, if you want, I’d love to give you a giant hug.” He took advantage of all three, and once he calmed down, we were able to talk.

Bullying is still seen by some as normal behavior that is “not big deal,” and while many cases of bullying do resolve themselves, bullying should not be taken lightly. Simultaneously overreacting is not a good idea either. Assess the seriousness of the situation and respond accordingly. The following steps can help you and your child stop the bullying without singling him or her out.

1.    Keep your feelings in check. As a parent, you want to protect your child at all costs, especially when he or she is hurt. However, your child wants to protect you as well. When you show how upset you are, it adds more charge to the situation. This can fuel any insecurities or anxieties your child is feeling causing him or her to shut down. Your child can feel like they are to blame for causing you grief.  Instead, save those feelings until you are alone, and ask yourself, “what does my child need from me right now?”

2.    Provide a safe space for your child to express his or her feelings. Young people are emotional warehouses. They are filled with happiness, sadness, joy, frustration, calm, anger and so much more. As a parent, let your child know that it is okay to express those emotions. Give him or her permission to cry or yell or just sit. Releasing those emotions in a safe space allows your child to move through the situation rather than hold it in or ignore it.

3.    Talk it out. Children are often reluctant to talk about being the victim of bullying so it is important to reassure them that talking about it will help and that you care about their well-being. Also, many kids think that telling their parents or teachers about being a victim of bullying will only make it worse so be sure to take positive steps that will not instigate the problem.  Ask your child what he or she has tried to do to stop the bullying and give them other ways to stop it. Give your child permission and suggestions advice on how to stop bullying themselves: using humor, or just remaining calm will stop bullying. When children react confidently and assert themselves to a bully, he will often stop without adult intervention. Bullying is not about being right or wrong. It's about feeling heard. Bullies want to feel heard. And, contrary to popular believe, bullies do not have low esteem. Actually, bullies generally feel good about themselves. They bully others for power. Encourage your child to understand that just because someone says something about him or her doesn't make it true. If your child diffuses the situation by shrugging it off or laughing – even if it is at oneself -  because this shows your confidence. The hallmark of a confident child is his or her belief in oneself. (This also builds confidence in others!) Again, the bullying isn’t really about your child. It’s about the bully feeling powerful, and bullies are less likely to feel powerful around those who feel confident.

4.    Continue to support your child in other ways. One of the best self-esteem boosters is to cultivate a habit of gratitude. Realizing your blessing can help to act as a shield against negative responses. A few good exercises in gratitude include having a gratitude board (use a white board and write your blessings on it each day), a gratitude jar (write down notes of gratitude in a jar and pull them out at dinner), or just sharing what you are grateful for each day at breakfast, dinner or bedtime.

5.    Depending on the severity, report the bullying. If your child is a victim of bullying and it is cruel enough to cause physical, emotional or self-esteem damage, then you and your child should inform your child's teacher and principal what is going on. Schools have no tolerance for bullying and if they are aware of what is going on will work with parents and students to create a solution. Confronting the parent of your child's bully may or may not be a good idea, so talk with the school first. Sometimes a bully's parents will be unaware of what is going on and will be willing to help. Other times a bullies parents will deny that there is a problem or not want to help. Children are often afraid that they bully will find out that they told on them and bully them even more severely. While this is a legitimate fear, taking the proper, positive action will usually not result in this.



There is a happy ending to this story, though.  This morning, as my son got ready for his last day of basketball camp, the tears were gone. They had been replaced with a renewed sense of worth. As he put on another basketball jersey similar to the one he wore yesterday, I asked, “Is that the shirt you are wearing today?” His reply was, “Yep. I don’t really care what these kids think or say. I’m going wear my shirt because **I** like it. And, if they tease me, I’m going to say ‘Dude, really’ cuz bottom line is I don’t care if they like because I like me.”

I don’t think I couldn't have said it better myself.

***
Has your child experienced bullying? What steps did you take to support your child and stop the bullying? 
 

Do you remember your favorite sports coach?  What were the qualities that made them your favorite?  Did their coaching go beyond the game?  Here's a coach that definitely does!

Q & A with Coach Reed:

1.    What does leadership mean to you?

It is in everything I do.  Leadership is not some special quality or skill bestowed upon CEOS, coaches, presidents, etc. Or reserved for those who make decisions for a group like a father or mother or priest.  Leadership is the things we do, the way we carry ourselves, the life we live on display for others.  We all have the right and ability to lead and every day we are being watched, studied, and graded as to how we act.  If you want to be a “leader” live a life that exemplifies great character and helps bring out the best in others.  Live a life that “if caught on film could inspire others to do great”.  I could care less if you are President of the US or the guy in the parking lot at the post office I just parked next to…you have the opportunity to be a leader and should with how you act.  You have to think outside yourself and understand that decisions you make, actions you take will have ripples to the world around you whether you think they will or not.  Step up and be a leader in all you do.

2. How do you incorporate leadership as well as the essential habits of character
(gratitude, responsibility, integrity, unity & service) into your family, business,
life?

Integrity is one of the cornerstones of my coaching values and personal values.  I have used FIRE as a value system for over a decade and my wife and I recently instituted it within our family (the kids were old enough to begin to develop values-based decision-making.  FIRE stands for faith, integrity, respect, excellence.  I went to an honor code school (Davidson College, NC) and that helped solidify my values…integrity is about doing the right thing (especially when no one is looking).  We preach to our kids regularly about the importance of having faith, living with integrity, respect for others, for rules, and for themselves, and demanding excellence in all they do (excellence does not mean perfection, it means always doing their very best). 

My wife was always so struck by how I taught my athletes and asked me to approach being a father in the same manner.  It was a logical move to install the same value system in our family.  We also approach how we instill those values the same way I do when I coach (we model them).  We not only model the positive behaviors, but if we digress we communicate with our children about the digression.  We admit our fault, act to correct, and move on.  We know we are going to mess up, but we believe that our children should not be shielded from the “oopsies,” they should see when we act without integrity, no matter how small or big and show them a chance to learn from our mistakes.  By modeling we teach our children responsibility for their actions alongside the integrity.  It is important they understand the ripple effect of decisions they make and take responsibility for all they do.
   
My wife and I are both heavily involved in community.  Over the last decade I, on top of starting my own charity in 2001, I have logged thousands of community hours not just on boards and committees or in donations, but also in the trenches.  We have helped paint schools, landscape blighted areas, served at community centers, advocated at the statehouse, and much more.  We take our children with us any time we volunteer (when possible) and anytime I speak in public on behalf of a charity or attend an event, we share that with them.  In 2004 I received a Forty Under 40 award from the Cincinnati Business Courier for starting my own charity and my community service activities.  We framed that and hung it among our family pictures on the steps leading to our rooms.  My wife wanted to do that “not to brag” (bragging would have been putting it over the mantle for all to see or in my office), but to teach our children.  They now read the article that came with the award and ask questions of why I did what I did and how I did it and what they can do.
   
This had such an impact on my daughter.  I adopted her when we married and have always treated as my daughter.  She mimics everything I do now and at age 8 she began displaying the character traits of service and gratitude.  For her birthday she (on her own accord!) asked if her friends could bring canned goods and donations in lieu of gifts.  She collected all the donations and asked me to take her to the local food bank to donate it all.  When we got there she handled the entire transaction and when the lady asked who should get credit my daughter quickly and confidently answered “no one” I don’t want credit.  I was in tears.
   
She inspired me in that way.  I started instituting this with my teams.  Teams that I coach are required to participate in community activities.  We do soccer camps for local SAY groups, we get involved with some of the local charities providing “muscle” for book sales and events (better than running sprints and hitting the weight room).
   
My high school had a saying “Men for Others” (it was an all male Jesuit school). I repeat that with my teams and my family.  Be grateful for what you have, ask what you can do for others, do it for the right reasons and enjoy doing it.  I always look for those opportunities for my family, my teams, or my company to “team build” in service activities.  As great as retreats at expensive facilities are or day long conferences are, doing community service activities build team so much better.  When you can work together, providing service for others, in a demanding setting (building houses), reminded of how good you have it, you come together as a unit.  My team High School team is a “brotherhood” because they play together, they practice together and they serve together.  They have learned the core values of FIRE, by practicing them daily…and of course, I try my best to model these.
   
My day job for the last 9 years has been in the nonprofit realm.  I have worked in the University setting as a fundraiser.  Not only have I focused on raising funds for programs like Honors and Scholars, student councils, environmental studies, but I have also jumped in as an advisor to student groups, on selection committees for scholarships and university museums, and as a liaison to corporate recruiters on behalf of students.  I am now a fundraiser with the American Heart Association, raising funds for community impact programs that help saves lives from stroke and heart disease.  I got into this realm because while trying to keep my own charity afloat, I was approached to do the marketing and fundraising for another charity in town.  One thing lead to another and here I am 9 years later. 
   
My true passion is coaching, and it is where, even though I have an impact finding money for valuable programs, I feel I bring the most to the world.  So I recently partnered with two like-minded individuals to start a health, fitness and sport company. We offer body transformation personal training, sport performance training, soccer skills training, and of course coaching products for other youth sport coaches.  I realized that my 20 years in the coaching trenches and my values needed to be shared with other coaches.  We are seeing more and more poorly modeled behavior for our kids and someone needs to take a stand.  We need to teach “parent” coaches proper techniques and methods, we need to help full time coaches become better role models and teach kids beyond the game.  We made the motto for our Coach Reed DBA “beyond the game” for the very reason that has always been how I approach coaching.  We have a distinct duty to the kids we coach to teach them how to be excellent human beings well beyond the game.  There is a much bigger picture with much higher stakes that needs to be addressed when we coach.  That is why my coaching philosophy is smallest, biggest, right.  Coach the smallest details, teach the fundamentals for on and off the field.  Keep the biggest picture in mind, and do not forget it is just a game in the end.  Do it for the right reasons.
   
My new partners decided (since between the three of us we have 12 kids) that we would give back to our community at the same time of launching rather than wait for momentum.  We decided that if we were going to promote health and wellness and ethical coaching to the world community we might as well have the healthiest community in America as our backyard.  We have set in motion two initiatives in our hometown of Oxford, OH: Talawanda School District Fit Future and Be Fit Oxford.  Fit Future was an offer we made to the school district to offer pre, during, or after school fun fitness training for the kids.  We felt that the key to having fit adults was to start with the next generation and then have it multiply to their parents and relatives.  We offered to come in at cost to train the kids in fun fitness games and exercises.  We would do base testing of health factors like BMI and then work with the kids to improve their scores over the school year.  In addition we would consult with physical education teachers, train school staff and employees in methods as well as train them for fitter lifestyles, and offer quarterly family fun fit fairs that would have activities, learning opportunities, and incorporate nutrition, lifestyle, etc.  Be Fit Oxford is an initiative to work with the Chamber of Commerce, the Mayor, and local businesses to promote healthy lifestyles and fitness.  Our goal is to create unity in Oxford out of a groundswell to be healthy and fit and include as many groups in town as possible in this collaborative initiative (the farmer’s market, the district, the university, other fitness business, etc). We are still working out details on the Be Fit initiative. The Fit Future initiative is currently in discussions. Why would we do this?  FIRE.  Faith integrity respect excellence.  We have a gift to share.
   
Great leaders are molded in these principles.  This should be the essence of leadership (have faith, have integrity, respect others and yourself and the rules of life, and demand excellence in yourself and those around you).  Serve, be grateful, collaborate.

3. What impact do you think character has on children? On communities?
    
Character is the game changer.  It is the underlying driver of human behavior.  All we do is watched and modeled by children.  As a coach I learned early on that it is not always what I say it is how I say it and what I do.  If we want children to grow up to be great leaders we need to model that in our everyday lives.  We cannot just “talk’ the talk.  We need to LIVE it.  Children are far more perceptive than we give them credit for and far too intelligent to be “fooled”.  You can talk until you are blue in the face, but if you are not a man of character, they will know.  I treat my players and all the children I work with in the community as the most important people I will ever meet and as I would want to be treated.  I also watch very closely what my actions say and in conjunction with my words.  Character is what the children truly see…not what you tell them.  My daughter always says to me that she “sees” when someone is a person of character and when someone is not.  I wish my daughter only saw people of good character, but I take every chance I have to use the ones with poor character as opportunities to teach. 
   
Communities, whether they want to or not, develop a communal personality.  New Yorkers are ‘fast paced’, Floridians are ‘relaxed’, Cincinnati is a “family” town. And so on.  We, as a community, tend to take on the characteristics of those modeling behaviors most often in public.  We tend to begin to gravitate toward a universal behavior pattern.  It is natural, instinctual.  To survive in tribes in the very early days (fighting the elements, wild animals, and hunger) we needed to conform to mores and roles and social norms.  This homogeneity is what kept us alive.  So character is vital to communities.  The more people of stature in a community displaying positive character traits, the better shot we have at creating a community value system that is positive.  As a local coach in a very small town, I am lucky that I have the ability to drive this “group behavior”.  I strive for all my players and parents, my own kids, and friends to all share in strong character.  To display it every day in subtle and in not so subtle ways to others in the community.

4. How can children affect leadership?

Honestly, they should be one of the primary considerations in leadership.  It is trite but true that Children are the future.  What we do as leaders will become a legacy in future generations based on our children.  Sadly, decisions we make do not always affect us, they affect our children.  Today we are paying the price, economically, for decisions that were made by the generation prior to us.  Leaders who did not have character may have come out “smelling like a rose” but they left a pile of garbage for their kids.  Even in current timeframes, we should think about our children.  What do our kids learn from the decisions we make, how does it impact them, how will they benefit from what we do?

5. What is one thing you could recommend to others so they, too, can bring
character to life?

You have to make your beliefs “actionable”.  You cannot just hold vague beliefs in your head and expect to live them.  That is akin to keeping all your projects and to-dos in your head with no action items to move them forward (reading David Allen’s Getting Things Done right now and he talks about this).  Get your beliefs out of your head and make them concrete.  Attach actions to them.  If you say you believe in service, then find actionable things that exemplify this belief (volunteer).  Taking it out of your head as some pie in the sky dogma and making it real, personal, and actionable brings it to life.
Secondly, develop a very simple philosophy and framework.  FIRE is simple but easy to repeat, share, and to act upon.  FIRE is simple to recall for me.  My values are never far from mind because FIRE is a great mnemonic device for keeping them at the forefront and any time I go to make a decision that will have consequences I always set it on FIRE first.  Also, my philosophy is very simple and easily replicable across all my activities.  Smallest, Biggest, Right is a great framework for coaching, for dealing with my family, for making a decision, etc.  These two simple things, FIRE and my philosophy assist me with bringing character to life EVERY DAY.

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Coach Reed Maltbie teaches athletes to unlock their true personal excellence and coach them to succeed beyond the game.  Coach Reed is recognized nationally as an expert in youth sport coaching, sport training, and soccer having been published multiple times for research in youth sport coaching or sport performance and provided expert opinion to the Park Record, Cincinnati Enquirer, InSite Magazine (Gainesville), Healthy Living, Especially for Girls Blog, Examiner, Tom on Leadership Radio Show, Parenting.com, the Wall Street Journal, BabiesToday.com, and is a former Business Courier 40 under Forty winner, a Cincinnati Magazine Creative Class award winner, and founder of the United Way of Cincinnati Young Leader’s Society. 

Coach Reed is also an avid nonprofit volunteer.  Aside from starting his own nonprofit in 2001, he is the co-founder and legacy member of the United Way of Greater Cincinnati Young Leader’s Society, served as a cabinet member for 3 consecutive United Way campaigns, was on the boards of multiple Cincinnati nonprofits over the last decade including Freestore Foodbank, United Way, Cincinnati Coalition for the Homeless, McGuffey House Historical Museum, Cincinnati Youth Coalition, Greater Cincinnati Oral Health Council, Davidson College Career Mentor Network, Harry Wilkes Leadership Institute, and United Way National Young Leaders Advisory Council.

To learn more about Coach Reed, visit http://coachreed.com.

"The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any." ~Fred Astaire